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Keita
21 November 2016 @ 09:20 pm
hah, livejournal still exists. i hope it wont go away anytime soon cause i enjoy having some sort of record online that won't disappear if my computer and harddrives explode or something. i'm gonna write whatever i want here because i would bet all the money in the world no one will read this lol. none of my friends use lj anymore.

so, things are actually going well right now? i know, it's crazy. i live alone now, the boyfriend moved out but we're still together, to everyone's surprise. it's going well, i adapted to living alone really quickly, even though it's been like 7 years since i lived alone. but it's amazing. i can do what i want when i want and not have to worry about how it might affect someone else. also what someone else does no longer affects me or my mood. i'm freeee!

what else. i'm sober! like properly, i haven't had a drink in 4 months. holy fucking shit. 4 months! that is literally the longest i've been sober since i first got drunk, i think. definitely haven't been sober this long in over 8 years. so it's pretty cool. i save so much money, i am in control of what i do and say at all times. i don't have to wake up feeling shitty and regret everything i did the previous night. no more binge eating while drunk out of my mind. no more cancelling plans because i'm hungover. no more losing inhibitions and telling all my deepest thoughts and secrets to anyone who'll listen. it feels pretty great, tbh. it's like eating healthy, the longer i do it the easier it gets. now if only i could completely avoid social situations where people drink. that's the hard part. i know my friends won't stay sober everytime i wanna hang out. especially stuff like new years and vappu and whatever. but i'd rather just avoid those or hang out with my sister's than go and get drunk.

uhh also i'm eating healthy now? like properly healthy, not the losing weight eating disorder self hate hell that i've done previously. actually checking the nutrients in stuff and trying to eat enough of everything. eating vegetables and fruits and nuts and seeds. taking a shitton of vitamins even though it's expensive, because i actually fucking care what happens to me now. and how my body's doing. also i'm vegetarian now. haven't bought any meat in like 4 months and haven't eaten any in 3? i guess. hard to remember the last time i ate meat. it was probably something like eating the crust from my boyfriend's pizza and it having some meat in it. but it's going pretty great, it's easy and it feels good. i feel good about myself now.

i'm also doing so. much. art. like every week i draw at least something, and most weeks i actually finish a piece. like actually doing lineart and coloring, or painting a thing. right now i have a commission too! a lady i know asked me to draw her dogs and normally i wouldn't do commissions because it's too stressful, but since it's someone i know and there's no deadline and she's so relaxed about it. like there's no great expectations since she hasn't really seen how i draw. so it's prefect. and i get paaaaiiiid. like proper paid! like 10€ per hour paid! which is awesome.

i'm going to this job-like thing twice a week now. it's uhh. like rehabilitation or something. helping people who haven't worked in a long time get back into the work force. so it's like a super relaxed work environment. they work with me to make sure i'm not going too fast. i can tell them if i'm panicky or if something's too much for me. it's only twice a week for 4 hours. and the work is easy peasy stuff like cutting pieces of fabric or arranging things or packing things into envelopes. i feel great everytime i've had a day there because i feel so accomplished. like i'm an actual adult doing actual adult things.

also i'm going to this thing 2-3 times a week where there's groups and things. there's art groups and a dog group! i get to pet and walk cute dogs once a week which is pretty damn sweet. and it's super duper relaxed, no one expects anything. i go there because i want to and because it's fun. i like the people. i like the environment. i like the groups. it's awesome. they're even having an art gallery show thing next january where they'll have paintings and drawings and photos done by the peeps at the place. so there'll be some of the stuff i've done in art group and some cool black and white photos we took together. and i'm like all involved in setting up the show. like it just sorta happened, they just kinda talked about what sort of photos to take and what drawings to put up and i joined in the conversation and next thing i know i'm going with them to choose the frames for the show and discussing the size of the photos and how much space we have and when we need to set up. it's kinda cool. it's definitely cool to get an opportunity to have my work up somewhere. i mean i know it's selfish to think of it that way, the point is to showcase everyone who goes there and just the overall... experience and atmosphere there. but i'm a little bit selfish and thinking about how cool it is to have something i made there.

i think that's about it for now. i mostly wrote this here instead of on a random file on my computer that no one can see just because i saw how sad the last entry was and i thought what if someone stumbles on my lj somehow and that's all they see, a depressing-ass post from two years ago and nothing after that. so here i am! i'm fine. much better than fine, i'm pretty fucking great actually.
 
 
feel: hopefulhopeful
listen: Imagin8 - High Seas and Childish Dreams
 
 
Keita
12 December 2014 @ 12:52 am
Ohhh heyyyy, surprise surprise... I gained all that weight back! Well, most of it. So I weigh like 67-69 right now. Which sucks, but I'm too depressed to care. I'm very much in this "fuck it" mindset right now. I'm eating whatever I want, which means chocolate ice cream for breakfast sometimes. I don't even care that I'm getting fat. Everything else is going to shit too. I've started drinking again, and I love it. I stopped taking my meds because why not! It's so much easier to give up completely and fall down the ladder of depression. Being at the bottom is 10x easier than being in the middle and trying to climb my way up. So that's where I'm headed now. And I feel so free. I've given up all my responsibilities, all my compassion for people who might miss me when I'm gone. I'm doing whatever I feel like doing right now. Which is slowly destroying myself.
 
 
feel: shit
 
 
Keita
05 February 2014 @ 08:31 pm
HAH, in my last entry I said 2013 seemed to be going well... Yyyeah, that didn't happen. And so far 2014 is looking even worse.

I started therapy in december but so far it hasn't helped. I guess I should feel proud for being able to go there every week alone, but it doesn't feel like an achievement. Especially since it's still so fucking hard to take the bus alone. And I still haven't warmed up to my therapist enough to be 100% honest and I don't know how to bring up difficult topics in my therapy sessions.

I lost a shit ton of weight during 2013 which I should also feel proud of, but I've started to gain it back so it doesn't fucking matter. I'm like 95% sure I'm just going to start eating the way I used to and gain it all back plus more. And then I'll hate myself ten times more than now because I'll look horrible like I used to. I already hate myself for eating so much horrible food for the last month. I don't understand how I kept up the "healthy" eating(=eating less) for almost a year. At the moment it feels impossible.

Fuuuck this yeeear. I want to just go to sleep for months and wake up when it's summer and I would hopefully feel better.

Ps. I've been having those stupid doubts I'm too much of a coward to even mention here. I can't believe I've considered it for almost a year. I don't know what to do about it.
 
 
feel: like a failure
 
 
Keita
09 May 2013 @ 03:09 pm
I'm alone at home at the moment, Jyri is out working out with his friend. He goes there every other day. I try to work out a little too while he's gone but I haven't done anything yet today... Hopefully I will later. I'm gonna try not to talk too much about weightloss because it's boring and no one wants to hear that. But I've lost 3 kilos in the past month and I'm glad about that. I've been working out a little bit and haven't eaten fastfood and shit like that. I hope I can keep this up and lose at least 8 kg but we'll see.

I think so far this year has been better than last year, I think I've had a bit more energy to do stuff like clean the apartment. It's not a huge difference but last year was just horrible so this feels like heaven compared to that. I'm talking with the lady at the city every other week, and I hope it's gonna make a difference. She does give me some good tips and it feels nice to be able to talk to someone about whatever I want. Also I started two new meds, it's only been a few days so there's no difference yet. We'll see, I hope it would give me enough motivation to do things that scare me like take the bus alone. It's pretty damn scary to think about getting better but I know I have to do it at some point.
 
 
Keita
30 January 2011 @ 08:40 pm
I don't like that my journal is called keitaboy but I'm too lazy to create a new one and I don't know what name to use so... I'll just stick with this for now.

I haven't written here in a looong time.. Which is a shame, since so much has been happening lately. Kinda. Well, on an emotional level I'd say things have been happening. Oh and I got my own apartment now, and it's kinda weird how quickly I've gotten used to this place. I've only had this place for a week, and I've slept 3 nights here. Jyri was here for all those three nights, so I'll see how well I can sleep here all alone. I think I'll do fine, I've been pretty tired today so I'll probably fall asleep real fast. I like how much space is here because I don't have to worry about furniture not fitting. But I don't like how big and empty my bedroom looks. I wish the whole apartment was just one big room, then I could sleep in the same room with all my stuff and the tv and the computer. Feels kinda lonely in the other room with just one big bed and nothing else. I'm not used to it yet.

I haven't been alone for this long in a really long time, 3 weeks or something. It feels weird but I think it'll do me good, Jyri and I need to learn how to be apart for a while because otherwise we won't manage one day without each other. We've just been hanging at his place for 90% of the time for the last few months. I don't mind being with him 24/7 but I do miss all my stuff and my computer while I'm there. I think I'm more active here because I have more stuff to do.

Oh I should also write about the shit that happened with my WoW account. Someone hacked it a few weeks ago, took most of my stuff and all my money and did some mining with Devkon to get more stuff and money to steal. I'm kinda relieved that that's all that happened, because when I first noticed it was hacked, I was scared they'd delete my characters. That would have been so awful, just thinking about all the time I've put in to the game. And I love my characters, they all have personalities and background stories and it just wouldn't be the same starting from scratch. It took me a long time to get all the information I had to give to blizzard so they can get me my account back. They locked it temporarily so I can't play now. I had to get them the original cd key from my wow game and usernames and change the e-mail and secret question and everything. But now that I got all that emailed to them, I should get my account unlocked after a while. And if something gets fucked and they don't give it back, I'll just have to call their tech support. And yell at them a little.

The automatic location detector says I live in Lappohja.
 
 
feel: okayfine
 
 
 
Keita
29 September 2010 @ 08:23 pm
Todaaay I will... do my best to come up with interesting shit to write about.

At the moment things aren't that great, but they've been worse. Been feeling lonely today, missing someone... Well like I need to pretend that people don't know who I'm talking about. I'm missing my boyfriend. I have nothing to do here. I watched like 6-7 episodes of True Blood but I can't stand one show for that long in a row. I ate a lot of shit today, candy and cookies and muffins and noodles and french fries and tortillas and I was just trying to make myself feel better by eating. Kinda stupid of me. But hey, at least I didn't drink.

I should be playing WoW and getting achievements for Devkon. Stuff with brewfest, some PVP achis or dungeons or something... Jyri went past me with the achievement points. Damn him. Now I need to get off my ass and do stuff so I catch up with him. I've just been so damn lazy today. No motivation to do anything. I was supposed to go to the store to buy chips or something, and I got dressed and all but then I just didn't want to go outside so I gave up. Poor me.

It has been a very very slow day. Can't believe it's only 8:30 pm. At least I have good music to listen to.

Ps. I'm so lucky to have him <3
 
 
feel: lonelylonely
listen: B.O.B feat. Haley Williams - Airplanes
 
 
Keita
11 May 2010 @ 01:44 pm

long surveyCollapse )
 
 
feel: lazylazy
 
 
Keita
23 April 2010 @ 10:32 pm
Emotional rant tiem~

Okay so... I should probably talk about work, maybe. It has been pretty awesome, which I so did not expect when I started. I have gotten some friends at work and it's so much fun hanging out with them and talking about shit. And it's so rare for me to be so relaxed around guys, but they just make me feel at ease. And overall it has been good, stressing a bit about school application stuff but.. otherwise okay. Just one small thing to worry about, but too lazy to write about it here. Just relationship problems I suppose :/

I wish I would do more art but I guess I'm just having a bit of a break from that right now. I'm sure I'll get more active in drawing later. I'm focusing more on looking at other people's art and getting inspired by things and places. I feel pretty calm nowadays, no panic about things I usually get nervous about. So that's good. Must be the medication lol :P Also I'm getting switching to stronger medication in a week or two, my pschyatrist thought the meds I'm on now are not doing a good enough job. Eh, I don't mind. I'm still a bit too shy about certain things so I don't mind stronger meds that will make me more social. And if I have any side-effects, he said it would be easy to stop the medication.

I was supposed to go to a bar with some guys from work but I dunno, I guess they forgot I was going to come too or they just didn't go or whatever. So I'm stuck home today, but hopefully the rest of the weekend will be better.

At least listening to some good techno makes me feel better :D
 
 
feel: bouncybouncy
listen: NIGHTkilla - Hardstyle
 
 
Keita
07 April 2010 @ 06:07 pm
Eeeh I should write about.. work and stuff? Well work has been okay, I've had a few lazy days but it's actually pretty fun going to work because I have friends to hang out with. We listen to awesome music in the room where I work and do random stuff. Otherwise I've been kinda bored, I need a new game or something. Or I should play more Mass Effect 2. Should try playing with a paragon character, although it's not as much fun as playing renegade... I get to shoot everyone :D and make threats at people who don't do what I say. I love my badass female shepard <3

Other than that ummm... Well I applied for schools and such. Not sure if I'll get to any of them though XD Well I hope I will, I don't want to work for another year or some shit. I want to go do artsy stuff.

Lol I just ignored this post for like an hour and did other stuff... So uhhh yeah, too lazy now to write any more. :P There you go.
 
 
feel: optimisticoptimistic
listen: Northern Kings - Ashes to Ashes
 
 
Keita
11 March 2010 @ 02:48 am
Aaaah today is a good day :D or well, yesterday was a good day... and this night.. Whatever. And last weekend was soo much fun, I'm so glad I went to Hämis. And next weekend is looking great too! Awesome. Lol it's almost 3am and I have to get up for work at 6 but iss okaaay because I had such a fun night and I deserved it because I've been a good little employee and getting 6-7h of sleep every night before work. I was gonna do that tonight too, I was getting ready for bed at like 11pm but someone interrupted meee and then I stayed up chatting. Awesome chats with awesome people. And I have no idea how I haven't passed out yet, I've been awake since 6am... but I feel fine, I guess I got energized somehow. I would stay up more but all the others have gone to sleep so.. No moar chatting.

Okay so this is like the most useless post ever but I don't caaare. Going to bed now kthxbye

(Lol satisfied sounds dirty)

(This is such an awesome song thanks Miikka!)
 
 
feel: satisfiedsatisfied
listen: Grendel - Hate this